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d100 Monkeys

These monkeys are just like us: they carry cherished items, strong passions and strange secrets.

Roll d100 and read across for a Monkey, or roll 4d100 for a RandoMonkey.

Illustration by Evlyn Moreau.

Table by STATIONS and friends (credits).

# Name Item Passion Secret
1 “Harold” [redacted] [redacted] [redacted]
2 Alex magnifying glass stamp collecting arson
3 Also Frank baseball bats baseball is a mimic
4 Baby a laptop doomscrolling retirement compound in New Zealand
5 Baby a huge piña colada heavy lifting is a cyborg
6 Bing Crosby bling crosswords sabotages holidays
7 Bingo road maps of the southwestern United States antiques flips a coin to decide if you live or die
8 Bion a cell phone the budget process must pass on a deadly curse through sexual contact
9 Bogey a toothpick mysteries keeps used toothpicks
10 Bon Bon ten family photos history survives on fresh monkey blood
11 Bonkers a monkey’s paw murder leaves the toilet seat up on purpose
12 Boo tissues obituaries feels nothing for fellow creatures
13 Buttons a rubber stamp the proper forms mines cryptocurrency
14 Cantaloupe 1 bullet (.22) dams bites their nails
15 Charlie a penknife accounting barely controllable pyrokinesis
16 Cherg the Destroyer a battered Walkman reggaeton started a compelling podcast but quit fourteen episodes in
17 Chomp Chomp silver fangs vampire culture rejected screenplays
18 Cindrella half a pound chocolate bar stamps likes to eat with forks
19 Clem a pitch pipe barbershop quartet can kill with a word
20 Cookie a pumpkin ball room dancing cannibalism
21 Dex fidget spinner parkour approximately six captives in a bunker
22 Dodger needle and thread taxidermy steals the pets of friends and acquaintances, then feigns outrage and offers emotional support (occassionally sexual)
23 Don dice gambling cocaine addiction
24 Dweazil a set of gaming dice folk music is a cop
25 Einstein a TI-82 graphing calculator button mashing hires assassins to knock off rivals
26 Eli a ragdoll philosophy never returns calls
27 Falafel destitute dwarf trinkets bacon-wrapped workwear never returns shopping carts
28 Flim-flam 3 packs of unfiltered cigarettes erotica is a serial stalker
29 Frank golf clubs golf none: is a genuinely decent monkey
30 Freshy hundreds of small plastic bags collecting compelled to eat own feces
31 Genevieve a tea set etiquette character assassination
32 Geoff a triple platinum credit card fine wine bodies in the basement
33 Go Go drum sticks Go Go music creepy doll collection
34 Good Boy inspirational stickers education conducts psychological experiments on unsuspecting participants
35 Gracie powerful magnets physics stealing people’s journals, searching for clues
36 Gray a box of broken crayons art subtly graffitis paintings in museums
37 Grobert a papier maché version of themselves extramarital flirting spitting when no-one’s looking (but really nasty)
38 Gustav a collection of travel dictionaries (from Swedish) linguistics searching for The Word that Ends Worlds
39 Ham Jack 3 ivory cutlery fine dining the taste of human tears
40 Heston a girl’s doll escape blew it up
41 Himbo a counterfeit police badge Jack London hoarder
42 Honey Dew a machete political unrest speaks French fluently
43 Hua post-it notes HR hates people
44 Hüm a towel interpretive dance interpretive murder
45 Isaac a ritual dagger sacrifice operates under a fake name
46 Ivy Posh day planner order beating people with bones
47 Jimmy Jim Jaja 5-pin bowling ball defending the indefensible hates other monkeys
48 Joe 16-piece dinnerware set, still in box jackfruits kleptomaniac for silverware
49 Jolene breath like spring love taking other people’s partners
50 Juicer assorted fruits and a juicer juice spikes the juice
51 kespe-(2309860067) a typewriter hitting ‘em keys (cannot read) escaped the infinite money cage with her complete page 54 of Othello, stolen from kespe-2309860068
52 Kia the sign of her god healing let her best friend die
53 Lady a log prophecy knows when and how every person will die
54 Lambo a microphone karaoke sends death threats to pop stars
55 Lem harmonica artificial intelligence compulsive liar
56 Lil’ Bit stilts acrobatics wanted for murder
57 Lil’ Koko a tiny kitten dioramas eats kittens when nervous / scared
58 Lôrn an ancient scroll dead languages 500 years old
59 Luc an epee fencing uses performance enhancing drugs
60 Lula a discreet handgun debate embezzling money from the non-profit they manage
61 Mako an iPad Pro character design gathering body parts to assemble a monster
62 Max energy drinks speedruns doesn’t share
63 Michel a dog vegan sausages is a cannibal
64 Miles racing gloves drifting frequent hit and runs
65 Mubba 2 candles xtreme sports hates their prehensile tail
66 Napoleon riding crop dressage directs a social media troll farm
67 Naruto a katana Pablo Neruda writes bad poetry
68 Nemo a sea anchor krill likes to drown insects (exoskeletons belong in the water)
69 Nibbles a grudge vengeance has a twin brother they are intensely jealous of
70 Papaya three sticks of butter jelly beans has 14 cats
71 Pogo a chainsaw music hates dogs
72 pork loin a gnawed up leg bone solvents will teabag everyone eventually
73 Renard three pet foxes parties is a trained assassin
74 Renato voice recorder with some instructions recorded 1960s design talks but continuosly tries to convince you that it is all in your head
75 Rio a bible liberation theology watches you while you sleep
76 Roxie lip stick opera public urination
77 Rudiger a rolled up Sun newspaper screaming once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die
78 Scream a jar of tasty dried butterflies the smell of summer rain devilishly silent
79 Shakes-(349853986) net, berret smoking cigs, talking philosphy should be catching escaped monkey typists
80 Shiny a small mirror abstract geometry is a doppelganger, killed the original
81 Sim VR headset meta in thrall to Mark Zuckerberg
82 Skwee a journal botany casually poisons neighbors
83 Sloan an address, hastily scribbled on a scrap of paper justice is a ghost
84 Smellraiser a puzzle box dimension-hopping cannot tell the difference between pleasure and pain
85 Steve a bundle of toothpicks chemistry meth
86 Suleiman brain in a jar conquest haunted by a compulsion to pun
87 Teetoo a sniper rifle assassination sent from the future to kill all humans named “John” in order to prevent the rise of the One True John who will prevent the monkey apocalypse
88 The Freshmaker mentos chillin’ explosive anger issues
89 The Quickening Abraham Lincoln’s final breath gumdrops dreams of disappearing without a trace
90 Thom
(pronounced “Thawm”)
perfectly sharpened #2 pencils perfectly sharpened #2 pencils leaves a perfectly sharpened #2 pencil next to their victims
91 Trumpet a pogo stick the Epics wears a toupé
92 Virgil simple robes the natue of faith agent of the inquisition
93 Wawa a magic 8-ball ambiguity stealing snacks from convenience stores
94 Westerly a hat obscuring a smaller monkey, who wears a hat obscuring an even smaller monkey, and so on Shakespeare insatiable lust for the infinite typewriter
95 Wiffles a camera reality TV installing surveillance videos in neighbor’s homes
96 Wink Wink dark sunglasses flirting recruits suicide bombers
97 XG-Y98-BLUE a million bugs hair design is a NFT wannabe billionaire
98 Yoma a trenchcoat travel unwitting herald of the end times
99 Zara a polaroid camera trendspotting places RFID tags on everyone they meet
100 Zoey a collection of wigs cosplay is a close talker

Credits

Thanks to the following friends of STATIONS for contributing!